Amsterdam Brown Cafés:
 Most
bars are located in the Centre and within walking distance
of each other, so you don’t have to waste precious drinking
time or spend your money on taxis.
The bars that I describe may not necessarily be better than
other bars in the city, but they will definitely give you
a very clear impression of what a classic Amsterdam “brown
café” is all about.
They have survived disco, house and vicious real estate agents;
they’ve been around for a long time, some for centuries,
and probably still be here long after we’re gone.
If the walls could talk in these places they’d have
tales to tell.
Amsterdammers are very, very proud people. Amsterdam is the
center of the universe and outside its borders (a subject
of much debate) the world varies from mediocre to just plain
bad.
However, you’ll get totally the opposite impression
if you enter into discussion with one of this curious breed.
They moan about everything in general and particular; public
transport, local government, road works (a constant fact of
in Amsterdam) and most specifically their common enemy, the
parking police.
Nothing is ever right in this city.
Now, before you start to agree about these “problems”,
I would like to give one word of advice… Don’t
because if you do, it will be pointed out that wherever you
come from, the situation is far worse.
Whether this is factually correct or not, just agree, or even
better, tell him/her that it’s much worse than he/she
ever imagined.
This attitude will gain you much respect and almost certainly
a free beer.
Amsterdammers don’t accept authority in any form.
It has, and still does, drive Dutch governments insane.
National laws are good but don’t apply to Amsterdam.
The queen is considered equal to the local junkie.
The locals will wish the latter all kinds of nasty diseases
(which he probably already has), but at the end of the day
will give him a euro to buy a cup of coffee.
It’s a classless society and whether you are a captain
of industry or a bricklayer, nobody cares.
One prominent aspect of the Amsterdammer is their famous,
or should be infamous, sense of humour.
They take the piss out of everybody and everything.
They’d razor sharp and very quick.
If you’re not used to it, the humour may appear at times
brutal, if not downright rude, but they mean well.
Consider it a compliment if you become the butt of their jokes;
it means they like you, if they didn’t, you would be
ignored.
Amsterdammers are open-minded, talkative and very internationally
orientated.
You should have no difficulty making contact with them and
sharing a beer.
In Amsterdam the barman is king, not the customer, never ever
treat him as a servant as this will lead to immediate hearing
impairment, or worse, you will be asked to leave the premises.
So, when trying to order NEVER click your fingers, bang your
glass on the bar, wave your money in the air or whistle.
Don’t be surprised in Amsterdam to see the barman sharing
a beer with his regular customers.
Whilst there is great debate currently going on in government
circles as to whether bar staff should be allowed to drink
while they are working, the traditional “brown barman”
will sink some five to fifteen “kleintjes” during
a shift, without it having the slightest effect on his performance.
Although they may appear a very generous bunch when it comes
to buying rounds of drinks, Amsterdam barman are not extremely
well paid and an acknowledgement of the service they have
to provided is always appreciated.
Even if you have already bought them a drink, it’s considered
normal to leave a few cents as a tip.
Amsterdam has a very open-minded attitude towards drugs, but
it’s considered extremely rude to light up a joint in
a pub.
If that’s what float your boats there are plenty of
coffee shops just up the street.
It is traditional in most brown bars to run a tab; after all,
you are expected to stay for more than one drink.
The barman will write down the number of drinks you have consumed
and you will be required to pay upon leaving, not after every
round.
If you are a regular in a bar you may even be allowed to leave
your tab running for several days, weeks, months or even years.
Never abuse this privilege, always pay when you say you are
going to do so, and don’t forget, it is considered extremely
bad form to die without first settling your bill.
A tip for our friends from more macho-orientated countries:
woman in Amsterdam often go to bars on their own.
This is not necessarily a sign that they want to be picked
up.
If they do, they will let you know in no uncertain terms.
As opposed to many other countries, food is not commonly available
in Amsterdam pubs.
Most of the time the best you can hope for is a toasted sandwich
or a few chunks of stale cheese, neither of which are highly
recommended unless you are very drunk or extremely hungry.
The best approach is to eat before you go to the bar, and
don’t forget, beer contains all the essential vitamins
and minerals that your body requires.
All these tips don’t apply in the modern/international
establishments in the city.
‘t Smalle
A breathtaking canal-side location, Café t’Smalle
first came into existence in 1780, when Pieter Hoppe established
a liqueur and jenever distillery on the site. (Nowadays, Hoppe
is one of the most popular brands of jenever in the Netherlands).
Although for a wile somebody had the brilliant idea of converting
the place into a grocery store, the original interior was
preserved and the Café restored to its former glory
in 1978.
t’Smalle is divided into two separate sections; the
bar area and the ‘ opkamer ‘ (upstairs room) reached
via a wooden spiral staircase. Downstairs, the low bar with
stools, cosy wooden window seats and low hanging candle chandelier
all provide a gloriously intimate atmosphere. Numerous details
evoke the past, particularly the beautifully restored stained
glass windows; each depicting a specific scene. Notice in
particular the shield of Pieter Hoppe illustrated in the front
door. The upstairs room, used mainly for dining purposes,
can also be hired for private parties. Such a beautiful pub
in fact, that the complete interior was reproduced and displayed
in an exhibition in Japan.
Dutch pubs are not known for the quality of their wines (mostly
upgraded vinegar), but t’Smalle is an exception. They
really make an effort to serve a decent range, and were rewarded
in 2001 when they won the ‘Amsterdam wine Café
of the year’ award. You’ll find a wine list on
the bar and the tables. T’Smalle also has a reasonably
varied food menu, serving breakfast in the morning, with snacks
and salads throughout the rest of the day.
Café t’Smalle is perhaps most famous for its
terrace; without doubt one of the prettiest in town. Tables
and chairs are placed on a floating wooden jetty, the perfect
place to dock your little boat and take a drink, as the sun
sets over the canal.
Café t’Smalle
Egelantiersgracht 12
1015 RL Amsterdam
Opening hours
Sun-Thurs: 10:00-01:00
Fri-Sat: 10:00-02:00
In de
Olofspoort
Situated in a beautiful old building with a long history,
the current structure dating from 1619 was built on the foundations
of a former city gate (De Sint Olofspoort). For centuries
the place was the home of a sugar bread bakery. A fact commemorated
by an inscribed stone in the gable, “In de lompen”
(Lomp being an old Dutch word for sugar bread). When you enter,
notice the little platform, today holding barrels, it’s
where the baker’s apprentice used to sleep.
Everything looks and is old in this pub. Large cupboards store
hundreds of bottles of liqueurs and jenever. On the small
bar stands a magnificent example of an orignal jenever pump,
still containing the spirit. In the old days, people would
bring empty cans to the pub to have them filled with jenever
(called “maatjes”), which they would then take
home-the earliest off-license. Unfortunately the landlord
had to put a lock on the pump because people kept asking,
“what’s this for”, as they tugged on the
handle. In the back room are two cupboards with labelled bottles;
regular customers each have their own. Mind you don’t
spill anything, the floor in this room dates from 1602!
In de Olofspoort probably has the most extensive range of
jenevers and liqueurs in the whole of Amsterdam. The liqueurs
all have excotic names, including”Perfect Happiness”,
“Don’t Forget Me” and “Wedding Tears”,
each with its own story, wich the landlord will be happy to
tell you. The jenever collection numbers more than 60 different
types, ranging in age from one to 17 years.
It’s not the place to expect a wild party every night,
although once in a while they hold themed music evenings and
the building is also an officially registered wedding location.
Mostly however, this is a pub where you should sit back and
enjoy the tranquility as evenings sunbeams spill through the
leaded windows above the door and the madness of modern day
Amsterdam melts away.
In De Olofspoort
Nieuwebrugsteeg 13
1012 AG Amsterdam
Opening hours
Wed-Thurs: 16:00-24:00
Fri-Sat: 16:00-01:00
Sun-Tues: Closed.
In ‘t
Aepjen
In ‘t Aepjen is located at the top of the infamous Zeedijk,
a street with a turbulent history which has changed in recent
years from almost a no-go area to one of the most nicest streets
in Amsterdam. Before you enter, take a look up at the wooden
façade of the building. Dating from the late middle
ages, this is one of the only two remaining wooden houses
in Amsterdam. The rest went up in flames a long time ago.
Somebody – architect, collector, historian, who knows…,
made a real effort decorating this pub. Everywhere you look
you’ll see antiques and relics from the past. As the
name suggests, the prevailing theme is monkeys, but there
are also many old paintings, bottles, glasses and most notably,
a pipe organ played by a wooden doll. The “wannabe Rembrandts”
hanging on the walls can perhaps be skipped, but the inlaid
wooden watercolours of 1920s ladies definitely deserve a second
glance.
The pub is small but looks bigger because of the very high
ceiling, take a look at the gloriously massive wooden beams
that support the whole structure. The staircase up leads to
nowhere, it’s the one going down that takes you to the
toilets. Be wary though, it’s steep and narrow and you’ll
not be the first to descent a little faster than anticipated.
The pub gave its name to a much used Dutch saying, “in
de aap gelogeerd” (stayed in the monkey) which means
you’re in trouble. The owner of the inn that used to
stand on the spot accepted monkeys from sailors as means of
payment. Unfortunately these creatures als brought fleas into
the hostelry. If the locals spotted somebody madly scratching
himself in the street they would say, “he stayed in
het Aepjen”.
The customers are mainly locals although, thanks to its location
many tourist also find their way to this pub, and it’s
presided over by a distinguished barman with an enormous beard
and belly to match.
In ‘t Aepjen
Zeedijk 1
1012 AN Amsterdam
Opening hours
Sun-Thurs: 15:00-01:00
Fri-Sat 15:00-02:00
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